There once was a man from Queens,
Who really was an absolute peen.
His name's Donny Trump,
He's a massive cuntpump,
And I'm gonna stamp on his spleen.
I put my winky up a lady,
Because it looked so cool and shady.
I beat the summer heat,
By slipping my hot meat,
Up a corpse so cold and degrade-y.
There once was a man called Fry,
Who said one day with a sigh:
I'm pals with Dorks and his honey,
Only cunts find me funny,
I hope someone shits in my eye.
I've got twelve, not one, willy,
And it looks rather silly.
I have to sit on cold tiles,
And risk getting piles,
'Cos my pants only fit when it's chilly.
There once was a nation called Britain,
Whose numerous problems were shit-ton.
Our home makes us puke,
We long for a nuke,
Or a 2080-foot kitten.
My scrotum did fall off,
As I hacked up a cough.
They sewed it back on,
I said 'tres bon!'
It redetached, I just said 'bof'.
There once was a man called West
Whose hoop had an ammonia zest.
He said in a tweet
He was forced to delete
His snapper was thoroughly messed.
There once was a man called Camer-in,
A worse PM than a tamar-in.
Stuck his knob up a boar,
Fucked over the poor,
And his head we should hammer-in.
There once was a man called Harvey,
Who was a singer and pop star-vey.
He ate a baked spud,
But three was a dud,
And he vomited under his car-vey.
My ballsack's entangled.
I wanted it spangled,
So a machine I created,
To get electroplated,
And now my scrotum is mangled.
I flew abroad on RyanAir,
Happy to find such a low fare.
But to my great dismay,
I still had to pay,
They charge for not shitting in your hair.
I give sausage to my cat,
Every Tuesday night, stat.
Then I forgot (oh so silly),
The cat ate my willy,
And now my scrote is missing its hat.
I saw Clarkson in the street,
What a chance – what a treat!
Under motor car,
Went the TV star,
For my tea, sausage meat.
During the month of Janus,
The inclement weather was heinous.
To my neighbour I told,
That my rectum was cold,
So he offered to spunk up my anus.
I've three bums for doing poo,
(Of course, I've a specialist loo).
I've five cunts in front of me,
I know three are for wee,
I don't know what the other two do.
Save money, my bank pleads
So I sought frugal leads.
My reluctance to pay,
Caused rectal dismay:
Frozen meatballs don't make good anal beads.
The city's paralysed with fear,
The sky's brown from horizon to here.
Stay in and hide,
Don't venture outside,
'Cos Superman's got diarrhoea.
My holes are good for storing salad in.
Vegetables ensconced within:
I've radishes in my ear,
A carrot up my rear,
And a beetroot in my foreskin.
Her skin was like gossamer,
And time made her flesh softener.
I dug up your mum,
And rimmed her wormy bum.
Is there a problem, officer?
Ganymede completely appalls,
And Ceres is worst above all.
Asteroids are poo,
Let's nuke them from view,
And the Moon basically sucks balls.
My favourite orifice is my ring,
It's really a marvellous thing.
It dispenses logs,
And croaks like a frog,
And stops the bathwater ent'ring.
Some presenters aren't good,
And replace them we should.
With Galetti or Pascale,
Replace them we shall.
Shit off, Paul Hollywood.
My mog is an awful beast
And I aim to make it deceased.
Bye bye cat,
Splat, take that,
You won't be missed in the least.
Who's this man who stinks of jizz?
Piss-soaked pants that foam and fizz,
Shoes like dead pigs' noses,
Bum fulla trichinosis,
That's your dad, that is.
For sexy times I went on a hunt,
I needed some slap, tickle and grunt.
I shagged your mum,
In the front and the bum,
And stuffed a dead sheep up my cunt.