[On Anamanaguchi] "It sounds like a fart trying to escape a cage made of harps."
[Handing me a plate of rogan josh] "Sorry, it looks like someone's diarrhoea'd on a plate."
[Upon being told that Satoru Iwata, president of Nintendo, had died] "Did his body flicker and disappear in a shower of coins?"
[Playing with kinetic sand and moulding it into poo shapes] "I don't know what creature this is but it won't stop pooing."
"I bet [starlings] sometimes fly in the shape of a bum or a willy. Look, it's a dolphin! Look, it's a swan! Look, it's a dick!"
[Opening the window] "I need to do a guff evacuation."
"Don't read Catcher in the the Rye if you don't have to. Spend your time on something more useful, like farting."
[making a 5-egg omelette] "I'm going to be Guffy the Vampire Slayer."
"When you've got the eyebrow pencil out, there's always a hideous temptation to draw a Hitler moustache on your face."
"Leeds isn't that bad. Well, some of it is. Most of it's horrible."
[Pointing at a pond] "That would be a good place to dispose of a body."
"I went to the toilet forgetting I was wearing my jumper and wee'd on it."
[Re. Sweden] "It's that country that looks like a droopy willy."
"Sometimes, one does a poo like a shoal of minnows."
"Elasticated anus, elasticated anus, stretchy wee bum."
[Showing me a bowl of slugs] "Don't you wish you were a thrush?"
"Virgin can stick their contract where the sun don't shine… Scotland."
[At a Vagisil advert] "Wash your flaps, you skank!"
"We will make very good skeletons, you and I."
"I am dignified and mature. BUM. WEE." [farts] "POOOO."
"One side-effect of yoga is that it makes you fart like an angry camel."